December 10, 2015

I'm Complicated Like That

When people ask you "who are you?", can you easily give out an answer? *long pause* ) Didn't' think so too... I've been living my life for 30 years and still I can't define who I am. There's really not a thing, not single thing, I can associate myself to. I can't say I am that or this... because I am complicated. I think all humans are wired that way, or else we would still be primitive.

There's just too many aspects of who I am and I can't just describe myself in one word neither can in  just a sentence. There's just too many that makes up myself. I love being complicated, it what's makes me different from everybody else. Life would probably too boring if all us would be exactly the same as one another. I didn't like the concept of segregation based on your capabilities like that what they did to the people in that movie Divergence.

So who am I?

I am a person who wanted to be a doctor when I was young. Then I ended up being a nurse. Yet a nurse who doesn't take care of patients. A nurse who works in the back office instead, who does the paper work. Did I have regrets of not being a doctor or a bed-side care nurse? Yes, I did. But I do my best to work on where the circumstances had brought me. I started to accept the fact that everything happens for a reason and that comes with a purpose. There are just some things that is beyond your control; being a a self-confessed controlled freak brought me no good but frustrations and depression. Didn't get me anywhere either. So I learned to accept things as they are and hold on to the promise that I have hope and a better future. Bloom where you are planted.

I am a person who loves wholeheartedly, bordering obsession at times. Whether it be a relationship or a life passion.  When I mean I love something I go into the battlefield in full gear. When I like something I sometimes get obsessed with it. I research, I read, I watch. Like if I am fan-girling and stuff, ask me anything about it, and I'll know even the finest details. I get so intertwined with the idea of love or loving it that I sometimes flee away from reality. That's when misfortunes came pouring in and they pull me back to reality. Which is a good thing actually because you get to get your bearings straight. You endure, you persevere and it builds your character. And if most often than not you come out as a better person.

I am someone who' still a kid at heart. I still stop and watch some cartoons. I still get all jiggly when I enter a toy store and just browse for toys I had when I was a kid and remember the good old days of my childhood and get all nostalgic about it. I still get addicted to kiddie stuff, I still find Bob the Minion a ball of cuteness and so is Agnes. I wasn't able to fight the urge to buy a Funko-Pop figure of Bob when I saw it on a shelf at Toys-R-Us. I still love watching some animes and Disney movies. I will always be one of the Disney princesses at heart. I like Cinderella, I still daydream of a Prince Charming who would whisk me to my happily ever after.

I am obsessed with clothes, shoes, accessories, makeups and beauty products. I have tons and tons of them and bulk of the things I possess are made up of those stuff. They are my weakness. My knees and legs melts like butter when I see a pretty dress,  shoes that would match one of my outfits, a nice shade of lipstick that would complement my skin tone or a toner I think would help my battle with adult acne. You can tell a girl to be simple but you can't tell me I have too many clothes, shoes, makeup or beauty products. I'm wired that way. I was born to family who made a living out of clothes, a granddaughter of a gradma who would never be caught not looking her best every time, a sister to a fashion designer who knows what from which, a friend to girls who would gush over a pretty pair of shoes they saw online or on a rack. I am no hypocrite and I gave a helluva 100% to look good even at least through fashion and putting up make up. I attended a makeup tutorial class once and from there work on to be better at it slowly. As with my fashion sense, still can't put a finger on it, I just love pretty things that's all I can say.

I love to travel and learn about new places. I love the sea, the beach, the fine white sand. I don't now how to properly swim but that's next on my agenda. But you can never talk me out of going to the beach, that's for sure! I love to think I am a mermaid who can't hold her breath properly underwater. There's just something with seeing those shades of greens and blues and that soft and gentle feet massage I get while walking over fine white sand beaches. It calms my soul, it makes me one with my Creator. That's likely the rare times I get to appreciate wholeheartedly the glory of the One who made all things out of nothing. I am amazed how the seas just stop at the edge of the beach and never overflowing to the inlands, the fishes in the ocean who didn't need to work from 9-5 just so they can survive. The sea, the sand, the blue sky is my  constant reminder that there is a Supreme Being, an unfathomable Being who took time to create all that beauty for me to admire. That's probably why most of my travels brought me to the beaches my country has to offer. I don't care if I look like a whale in my swimsuit, the beach and the sea will always be my home -- a place where I can commune with my God.

I am a person who loves to read. My mom and relatives told me I did my first picture book reading when I was 2. Got my first pair of eyeglasses in 4th grade with 400/400 thick lenses on because of too much reading even if it's dark. I switched to Archie Comics in elementary and transitioned to well known and classic lits in high school. College made me explore more genres of reading and introduced me to J.D. Salinger, Paulo Coelho, Nicholas Sparks, Mario Puzo, some Japanese Lit, Ayn Rand, George Orwell, Dan Brown, to name a few. Then came the digital age when I switched to reading more online. I read basically everything, newspapers, magazines, blogs, articles, short stories even the nutrition facts on a processed food can and the ingredients written on a shampoo bottle. Reading keeps you informed and it enhances your vocabulary. Only this year that I went back to old school and bought a couple of paperbacks - a couple of WWII memoirs.

I am someone who loves history. I love reading and watching anything and everything about WWII. I may not know the exact dates or places but I know my history at heart. I am more into the stories and personal accounts of men who live and fought in those times. I greatly admire those men and women who made my freedom possible. People who made me enjoy the freedom of expression, the freedom of writing, the freedom of the internet and the freedom of life in general. I get excited when a WWII documentary is showing on History Channel. I love watching WWII films and anything about the Holocaust. I don't glamourize war but I value its aftermath more than ever, both the good and the bad. Knowing these stories of heroism of the men who fought in that war for the lives we enjoy  today, humbles me greatly. It is my constant reminder that I need to earn everything and has become my standard of excellence, leadership and selflessness which we all should strive to achieve. It removes me from a world that is  so full of self-entitlement and self-advancement. With that, I tend to be careful of my life choices, making sure when I meet my Maker I will be able to say, I've led a good life and that I have been a good woman. 

I am  person who takes humble pride in my spirituality and faith. You can hold me at gun point and I will probably never renounce being a Christian. I have found peace and joy in my renewed faith to the one who saved my soul. I have always run away from it, but always end up returning to, like a prodigal daughter. this renewed faith doesn't mean I am perfect nor righteous, I am a far cry from it. I have come to know that it is never a religion but a relationship. That is what most likely brought me what we may call "inner peace". I have realized that I am so broken that I needed Someone who can fix me, accept me and love me without questions or hesitations. That I don't need to work for anything to be consoled and to be loved - because I am loved. Although I try my best to live a life as a testimony, an effect of His awe-inspiring grace and goodness. It is all likelihood that I have come this far because He placed people in my life who continually prays for me, support me, uplifts me and push me to walk in victory towards His wonderful plans for me. I respect every belief that is out there so long as that belief makes you a better person and a human being. You will have my respect and I won't get into an argument with you or force my belief on you thinking mine is superior than yours. The core of my faith is not like that. 

I love art and everything about it. I know my Van Goghs, Arnolfinis, Rembrandts, Michelangelo's, Degas etc. I love to make arts and crafts. It is my therapy, my escape from reality. Art calms me down and puts my mind at ease. Someone asked me once if I am not doing what I am doing now, what would I do? I would have been an artist or anything close to it. That's why I love doing events styling even though I don't get paid for it. I know how to sew but not like a professional seamstress, just the basics. I love chalkboard lettering and playing with coloring stuff. I will take formal classes soon also for watercolor painting. The blood that runs thru my vein is that of an artist. Almost all in my family draws pretty good. My grandfather knows his calligraphy. Distant relatives were comics artists. My sister paints well too and can't  get anymore creative in her fashion creations.  You can always find me doing everything from scratch and I take pride from it. My artistic level still have rough edges but that gives me room to perfect all the crafts I want to put my heart into.

I love anything vintage. I am old soul I guess. 1920s, 1940s and 1950s are my favorite eras. Anything vintage or looks vintage  pulls me like a magnet. That love for vintage I incorporate with my arts and crafts; thus the constant theme of shabby chic, rustic and art nouveau in my styling gigs, my home decors, mementos and other knick knacks. I have incorporated some also in my sense of fashion but only to some extent so as not to look costume-y. I get awe-inspired whenever I see old world structures or items. I like the feel of somehow going back in time, gives me an immense sense of nostalgia.

I love music as well, who doesn't anyway? But I guess the feeling is not mutual because I can't carry a tune. I tried learning the drums and guitar in high school but gave up on them. My friend who used to teach me even gave up on me too. I only sing when I am alone or if the sound or noise drowns my voice. But I do know how to appreciate quality music and talented artists and songwriters. If I had one wish that can be granted in a snap I would most likely ask for a good singing voice. Hahaha!

I am someone who loves to eat. Sometimes bordering on binge-ing. I love old fashion cooking - sinigang, caldereta and adobo are my comfort foods. I also like other international cuisines - Japanese and Mediterranean top my list. I like trying new food as long as they don't get me on a running spree to the bathroom or make me eat something like out of a Fear Factor episode. I am no connoisseur but I am a foodie. I can tell you upfront what's good and what's not. Just don't make describe texture or spices and aromas.

I am someone who loves to write and share almost about everything to the world. I love to put myself out there. I don't give a heck about privacy. It's not to make something or someone out of myself but it's just who I am. I never for a second thought of being viral. I just love to write. I just love to blab. Those who really know me knows how talkative I am and that overflows to writing too. I got so much stuff running through my head that I want to write everything down. I don't care if I don't make sense, or if my grammar is wrong or how poorly I constructed a sentence. I am no New York Times Best Selling writer and I don't proof read what I write most, if not all, the time. I used to be so conscious about so many things but insecurity gotten me nowhere. I've been fighting a battle with that devil all my life and I've come to a point that I had enough. I just stop caring what others may think of me or how shallow I can be or how I can't write eloquently like others. I'm just going to do what I love to do, and if anybody has an opinion about it he can file a complaint at the nearest city hall. I am just being me, that's all. No masks, no pretensions. You get what you see. Long as I'm not stepping on anybody's toes I'm sure I'll do fine. Afterall, at the end of the day, there's only One person I need approval from, the One who knows me inside and out, the One who knows what I'm thinking and about to do before even formulating them in my mind. 

So there you have it folks, that's basically who I am.  I know it is a bit long, but it takes all that time to pour out what my heart and mind contains. And yes, I can be all that. I'm complicated like that.

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